Johnson Praise ReportGod's Hand on My Life — I truly believe abortion is one of the core issues causing the destruction of families in our society today. Most women who have had an abortion live with tremendous and most times overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame, depression, post traumatic stress disorder and many have thoughts or have even attempted suicide. Most of these women have kept their abortion a secret for years if not their whole life. How then can all these women be the "best wives and mothers they can be" when they usually hate themselves?
I was raised in a family where we went to Sunday School when we were little and Church on Sundays and holidays when I got older, but my father was raised by an alcoholic father and my mother was raised in a home with zero communication. I believe they did the best they could with all they knew, but I never remember my dad saying he loved me or they were ever proud of me. He would just buy me things because he thought that would show me, So I searched for love and acceptance from someone else. At 17 years old I met a boy at a baseball game who went to our rival school, he was a track star and I fell head over heels for him. He made me feel special and he told me he loved me. It wasn't long before he was pressuring me to have sex with him and because I was so afraid to lose him and his love, I eventually gave in. Surely I wouldn't get pregnant, that only happened to other girls, not good girls, who went to church, got good grades and didn't drink or smoke. But one morning I woke up and I could not stop getting sick. This went on for weeks until it got to a point where I couldn't go to School, so I would pretend to go to School, wait until my parents left for work and then sneak back into the house. Well that lasted until the School office called my Mom and asked her why I hadn't been to School all week. So my Mom came to me and confronted me and finally asked me "flat-out," are you pregnant? If I thought that was one of the worst moments of my life it was nothing compared to the feeling I had when I had to look into the devastated eyes of my father and tell him. It was like at that moment time stopped and I would never be daddy's little girl again. I could see so much pain and disappointment in their eyes; it was almost more than I could take. Then they acted as if I had a choice – they said we will support you in whatever you want to do, but what will your grandparents think?
What will the rest of our family and our friends think? How will you feel in High School being pregnant? What about College? Don't you think you are to young to have this baby? They also told me it isn't even a baby yet it's just a blob of tissue and cells – "that is the lie planned parenthood tells and that is the lie my parents believed. They wanted me to believe the same as planned parenthood. My head was spinning, my heart hurt, and all I really wanted to do was marry my boyfriend and have my baby. But, you are supposed to listen to your parents, because their supposed to know what is best for me – I just wanted that "look of hurt and disappointment in their eyes to be gone.
So I agreed, and they made the appointment. On the morning that I was scheduled to "abort my baby," I remember standing in the shower sobbing and holding my stomach praying – and asking my Child and God to forgive me for what I was about to do. The ride to the clinic was a blur for me, all I knew was my dad was driving and when we got there he stayed in the car. My Mom took me in and as they came to get me (I will never forget my Mom looking at me as I walked away), she said, don't worry, everything will be OK. She had no ideas that my life would never be the same again, "the girl I was when I went into that room died, right there on the cold table along with my baby, which they sucked-out of me with a machine that made the worst noise I have ever heard in my life. They sucked my child (I believe the only Son I would have ever had) into a little jar and threw him away, like a piece of garbage. Then you stay in recovery a while just to make sure you are physically OK. You get dressed and that's it – you are supposed to forget to never tell anyone and to go on like it never even happened. I got in the car and my parent's took me to McDonald's and bought me a Big Mac. Then we went home and never spoke about it ever again.
No one knew, not even my only sister. Right after this – if I saw a baby I would have to go into the closet or bathroom and physically get sick. I suffered from severe depression, guilt, shame and many nightmares. I never did go to college – how could I? I didn't deserve anything good. I went from failed relationship to failed relationship, because if a guy was to good to me, I knew I didn't deserve him, so I would pick the worst guys, the ones that would hurt me and give me what I thought I deserved. This self-destruction went on for years until I finally met a man who was very good tome and we had a beautiful daughter who I will tell you, "it is not a coincidence she was born on January 22nd (the anniversary of Roe vs Wade decision). But of course the Devil would not let me forget what I had done. So I sabotaged that relationship. I chose an abusive man next and three years later had another beautiful little girl, but instead of feelings of joy, I was devastated with the realization of what I had done and the baby I had aborted when I was 17. I prayed so hard for God's forgiveness, but I thought this is one sin that God can never forgive. Then one day at work, I met a nice guy and he invited me to a hockey game. The next thing I knew, he was inviting me to his Church. I said YES, only for him, because I was sure God wanted nothing to do with me.
Imagine my horror when I found out there was a speaker that day from the CareNet Pregnancy Center speaking about Abortion. Oh, I just knew that somehow people could tell like it was shown on my forehead, "woman who had an abortion." As I sank lower and lower in the pew, something this woman speaker said caught my attention, she said, "God forgives you if you have had an abortion." I thought to myself, could she be right? Could it be true? No I thought, but I had to find out, I needed to! So that week I contacted CareNet and I spoke to someone about what had happened and about my secret I had kept for 20 years. And then I said I think I can help young girls and young women before they make the choice of abortion and then living with that choice. I took the volunteer counselor training program and for the first time in 20 years, I shared my whole story with a room full of women and I felt as if the world was lifted-off my shoulders. After that, I did a bible study called "Forgiven & Set Free" where I first felt God's overwhelming love and forgiveness for what I had done. I went on to counsel hundreds of young girls and women struggling with the choice they had to make regarding an unplanned pregnancy and helping those find healing and forgiveness who have made the choice of Abortion. God allowed me to speak at many Churches, Youth Groups and even on the Radio – to bring this subject out of the darkness and into the light where hopefully many more women can find the peace and forgiveness I have found.
What has helped me heal, is not only the Bible Studies I have done, and the amazing weekend retreat called "Project Rachael" I attended, but it's knowing God has taken the worst thing in my life and he is using it for good to help others.
I believe this is my purpose and my mission in my life. I really love the story of David & Goliath. It reminds me a lot of the battle we have in society of the issue of abortion. I believe "If We are Silent NO More" and we share our stories of Abortion and it's devastating affects, we can defeat Goliath (Satan).
Only our Powerful and Mighty God could take a woman like me – who wouldn't even speak the word Abortion or share the painful story of her past, but GOD started leading her speak in front of complete strangers. Do I fear being judged and ridiculed? YES! But, my Faith in The Lord outweighs my fear, because if all my hurt, shame and pain can save just one woman from the same thing I experienced – then I must continue this David & Goliath Fight!
and God Bless!
For HELP and information regarding these LIFE issues, call:
Organizations to Contact:
Referral Phone: 800-822-HOPE (Western WA)
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